I Have Failed You

God has just revealed something major to me in the wake of what has happened.  I know it is important to share, to not just work it out for myself, but because I know someone will come across this post and need the truth that is found within. So, onto the revelation.

When someone thinks they’ve failed you, but won’t stay around to find out your thoughts, that’s the enemy speaking into their life. Once they speak these words into you life and walk away, the enemy has a way in to kill, steal, and destroy.

Now, this opens the door for the enemy to step right into your life. This is exactly what happened to me. This is what lead to turning back to old ways of coping with hurt and disappointment.  I was dealing with the actions of someone that now seem so uncharacteristic of them. When everything first happened I was so stunned that I had no idea what to do or think. What a perfect chance to attack, especially since I’ve been doing healing work in the area of relationships.

I cried out to Jesus in my innermost pain. I tried to pray but found it to be so hard because of the pain that I was in. I struggled to even open my bible. Yes,the enemy was getting exactly what he wanted. The enemy had used someone else to get to me.  Thankfully I’ve been blessed with some great, safe people that stepped in to pray on my behalf.

Mind you, when this all happened last Sunday, I was coming off a great weekend ladies retreat and a birthday celebration. The enemy wanted to tear me down.  The enemy had found a way in when I had least expected it.

I want to say that I am not judging this person for what they did. I know how unlike myself I am when the enemy has gotten a foothold.  There are times when Satan does try to disguise himself as God to trick us. I’ve had at least one other person confirm that this was out of character.  God has again been clearly speaking to me about this whole thing and that this is not how He would have ended it.

Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings. 1 Peter 5:8-9

This is why I know to be alert. How difficult is it though when we are blindside? While the enemy may have gotten a piece of me, he did not get all of me. Victory goes to God!

 

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Because Being Hurt…Hurts

I have a had a long, hard, trying week.  I was unexpectedly hurt by someone, blindsided really.  Trust shattered, confusion and anger fighting for their place in my life.  I’m honestly struggling to write anything about this experience because there’s still so much unknown in all of it.  I don’t even know where to start in processing it all, but God has brought a few things to mind.  I’ve even found a victory in all of this mess.

I’m not even sure what I’m writing will make sense, due to the fact that I’m still sorting so much out, along with being mentally and emotionally drained.  I also don’t want to give out detailed information about what happened.

Being hurt, and having someone step out of your life suddenly, takes a toll on you.  It’s even harder when you don’t understand and once they are gone, that seems like that is it.  It’s even worse when it isn’t the first time you’ve experienced something like this.  I was left questioning the friendships/relationships that were still in tact.  Where they worth it?  What if I get hurt again because they decide to walk away?  Am I ever going to be able to trust anyone ever again?  How do I deal with this anger without going off on others?

Those are some pretty heavy questions and I don’t have answers for them yet.  I’m going to be working through this for a while.  The crazy thing is, God was already leading me to work on relationships.  Does this seem like a set back?  Yes, it very much does.  Will God use it for my good and His glory?  Yes, He will.  It’s taught me to be someone I don’t want to be and I don’t want to treat people this way.

I’m sure the person that hurt me didn’t mean to hurt.  I also know they don’t know how much they have.  That’s when I know healing has to happen by approaching them and talking to them.  Now is where it gets hard.  I don’t want to place blame on this person, but I know I need to let them know just what has transpired from their actions.  There are some things I’ll need to own in all of this, such as my actions towards myself.  Some people can handle this and some people can’t.  I know that this will help in dealing with my anger and the forgiveness I need to extend.

Speaking of anger and forgiveness…am I there yet, ready to let it go?  I can say that I’m almost there with the anger.  I hate carrying so much of it around and it leads to some very dark places.  I often take my anger towards someone else out on myself.  I know that’s not what God wants though.  He wants me to send my anger right up to Him to take care of.  I’m not to go to sleep angry.   I’m not quite there with forgiving, but I believe in time I will be.

I leave you with Ephesians 4:26-27, which I know I need to allow to seep into my heart: When you are angry, don’t let it carry you into sin.  Don’t let the sun set with anger in your heart or give the devil room to work. (The Voice)

Father, please help me to see that this is all for my good, and for Your will for my life.  That You have so much more planned for me and this had to take place to make those plans happen.  Thank you for showing me some good in all of this.  Amen.

 

 

New Direction

I’ve realized why I struggle to blog here.  I have this idea that I have to come all cleaned up and have some major revelation from God to share.

Not long ago I realized that I don’t have to do that. I don’t have to come to Jesus all cleaned up.  Why should Is show myself as that kind of person here, on my blog?

I’m not perfect. No one is perfect.  It’s time for me to start using this blog for that. It will mean being bold. It will mean trusting God with what I’m supposed to share.

God has called me to speak and I don’t want to put myself out there as some one I’m not.  I’m not perfect.  I have my struggles.  I’m seeing new struggles as I work through my past and how it relates to my future.  I believe that it’s time to stop hiding.