I have had another difficult week this past week and the week before that, and have taken yet two more big blows. It’s to the point where the will to get up again is nowhere near. It doesn’t feel good to say that. Life…and the enemy…just have me that low.
I say all that to get to the core of this post. Through this whole process and grief, I’m to the point where trust is now a big issue. I feel like I’ve been put in a place where anything I say or do is wrong in front of certain people. Where it is now best to stay silent than to speak. That I’m someone not to speak to. Not exactly a place someone who’s been called to speak wants to be placed in. Also, I know these thoughts are coming from a very wounded place and they are extreme. It kind of feels like I’ve been targeted. Like people just can’t stand that I’ve voiced my brokeness. I wish I could say more about this, in more detail, but it would only be stepping down to a level that I don’t want to be on. I’m not seeking revenge or tearing anyone else down because someone decided to do that to me.
It’s not really what anyone wants from me, to silence myself. I’m thankful for the friend that has listened to everything I’ve said to her. I am thankful that she has walked this very tough road with me. God doesn’t want me to silence myself. The good news is that I can go to Him and He will always be ready to listen to me.
When you’ve been deeply wounded and essentially silenced by someone, how do you react? Do you run, hide, or lash out at that person? I’ve been hurt enough that it’s easy for me to just build a wall and block people out. I say something to make them think that I’m okay, even if I’m not, after they’ve done something to me. I’m not one of those people who deals well with surprises of the negative sort. There is one thing I’ve learned through all of this and I’m planning on making that change in my life.
Even though I can’t trust many people right now, I know that I can turn to the One, my Father, whom I can trust, no matter what. It’s been difficult to turn to Him, after taking so many blows. I know that He didn’t cause them and I’m not blaming God one bit.
Place your trust in the Eternal; rely on Him completely;
never depend upon your own ideas and inventions.
Give Him the credit for everything you accomplish,
and He will smooth out and straighten the road that lies ahead.
Proverbs 3:5-6 (The Voice)