Because Being Hurt…Hurts

I have a had a long, hard, trying week.  I was unexpectedly hurt by someone, blindsided really.  Trust shattered, confusion and anger fighting for their place in my life.  I’m honestly struggling to write anything about this experience because there’s still so much unknown in all of it.  I don’t even know where to start in processing it all, but God has brought a few things to mind.  I’ve even found a victory in all of this mess.

I’m not even sure what I’m writing will make sense, due to the fact that I’m still sorting so much out, along with being mentally and emotionally drained.  I also don’t want to give out detailed information about what happened.

Being hurt, and having someone step out of your life suddenly, takes a toll on you.  It’s even harder when you don’t understand and once they are gone, that seems like that is it.  It’s even worse when it isn’t the first time you’ve experienced something like this.  I was left questioning the friendships/relationships that were still in tact.  Where they worth it?  What if I get hurt again because they decide to walk away?  Am I ever going to be able to trust anyone ever again?  How do I deal with this anger without going off on others?

Those are some pretty heavy questions and I don’t have answers for them yet.  I’m going to be working through this for a while.  The crazy thing is, God was already leading me to work on relationships.  Does this seem like a set back?  Yes, it very much does.  Will God use it for my good and His glory?  Yes, He will.  It’s taught me to be someone I don’t want to be and I don’t want to treat people this way.

I’m sure the person that hurt me didn’t mean to hurt.  I also know they don’t know how much they have.  That’s when I know healing has to happen by approaching them and talking to them.  Now is where it gets hard.  I don’t want to place blame on this person, but I know I need to let them know just what has transpired from their actions.  There are some things I’ll need to own in all of this, such as my actions towards myself.  Some people can handle this and some people can’t.  I know that this will help in dealing with my anger and the forgiveness I need to extend.

Speaking of anger and forgiveness…am I there yet, ready to let it go?  I can say that I’m almost there with the anger.  I hate carrying so much of it around and it leads to some very dark places.  I often take my anger towards someone else out on myself.  I know that’s not what God wants though.  He wants me to send my anger right up to Him to take care of.  I’m not to go to sleep angry.   I’m not quite there with forgiving, but I believe in time I will be.

I leave you with Ephesians 4:26-27, which I know I need to allow to seep into my heart: When you are angry, don’t let it carry you into sin.  Don’t let the sun set with anger in your heart or give the devil room to work. (The Voice)

Father, please help me to see that this is all for my good, and for Your will for my life.  That You have so much more planned for me and this had to take place to make those plans happen.  Thank you for showing me some good in all of this.  Amen.

 

 

New Direction

I’ve realized why I struggle to blog here.  I have this idea that I have to come all cleaned up and have some major revelation from God to share.

Not long ago I realized that I don’t have to do that. I don’t have to come to Jesus all cleaned up.  Why should Is show myself as that kind of person here, on my blog?

I’m not perfect. No one is perfect.  It’s time for me to start using this blog for that. It will mean being bold. It will mean trusting God with what I’m supposed to share.

God has called me to speak and I don’t want to put myself out there as some one I’m not.  I’m not perfect.  I have my struggles.  I’m seeing new struggles as I work through my past and how it relates to my future.  I believe that it’s time to stop hiding.

Mother’s Day Is Tough For Me.

 

I’m going to start out by saying that I have no clue where this post is going to go.  I’m writing this from my heart.

I’ve struggled with Mother’s Day for many years now.  I can’t buy my mother a sappy card because the words don’t reflect the type of mother she is to me.  It’s hard for me to celebrate her.

She doesn’t understand my love of Christ, my involvement in church, bible study or ministry work, and I’m pretty sure she won’t understand or support my calling.  My calling is to speak, share my story, and to help others trapped in the same chains that are falling off of me.  I can see God forming a ministry around this already.  Her view of a career is, well, not this, and she has no clue this is what I want to do with my life.  I am thankful for those friends that I have that are supporting me already.

My mother also doesn’t have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, so she doesn’t see life the same way as I do.  I’m not sure if she ever will have that personal relationship.

I love her, but it’s a struggle.  I struggle to pray for her and to ask that she be blessed.  The Bible speaks of loving one another.  God teaches us how to love.  But how do you show love to someone who treats you with disrespect, selfishness, and constantly complains, expecting you to have answers?  Who demands things of you and always wants something in return instead of doing something just because?  Who expects pure perfection because they see themselves as perfect?

There are times that it feels like my own mother is my enemy.  There have been many times when I can see the Evil One using her to try and tear me down, and winning.  With the way that she lives her life, it honestly doesn’t surprise me.  I do what my mother asks of me, most of the time.  Some of her requests are only to gain her something, or to get out of doing something.  I have to walk a fine line of doing what she asks and not allowing her to walk all over me.

As a Christian, I find this to be a really difficult thing to face.  I’m constantly under judgement.  My own mother doesn’t understand who her daughter is becoming.  My own mother won’t take the time to understand.  That hurts me.

If there is someone in your family that you struggle with, know that you’re not alone.  God is with you every step of the way.  Listen to what He tells you to do, where He leads your life.  If someone is against your dreams, stand firm if your dreams are God’s will for your life.  What matters is following God’s will for your life, not someone else’s.  If you’re finding it hard to pray for that family member consider asking a friend to pray for them.  Give yourself a chance to work through the hurt that you’re dealing with.

I guess this comes down to the words in Ephesians 4:18 (NIV) that say, “They are darkened in their understanding and separated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them due to the hardening of their hearts.”  I really think that’s the case for my mother.  I know I can live by the following words from Ephesians 4:20-24 (NIV): “That, however, is not the way of life you learned when you heard about Christ and were taught in him in accordance with the truth that is in Jesus.  You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.”

All I can hope is that she has seen a change in me, and eventually that God will reveal Himself to her and change her life.

You Are Not Alone

I know it’s been awhile since I’ve written, but I finally felt the push to do so tonight.  There’s so much that I want to write about, that I feel the Lord is putting on me to write, but I haven’t followed through.

Tonight, this is weighing heavy on my heart.  This “I’m not alone” stuff.  This is me being real about my Christian walk.

Do you ever feel completely alone in a crowd, like you’re completely invisible and no one sees that you’re there?  That you’re even standing or sitting next to them?  That you are only “seen” when someone needs something?  That you just don’t matter to the people that you’re around?  I’ve felt that way many times, in all different types of settings.  Groups, get-togethers, fellowship times, and even at church.

This is a lie Satan loves to get hold of and use against me.  Constantly saying “no one cares, no one wants to listen to your problems, you’re just seeking attention, you’ll become a burden” among other things.  I’ve been told by people that I seek attention, that I need to stop self-serving, that I need to do something for others, and that I need to ask them about the things going on in their life and not always talk about myself.  Satan feeds on that and loves it.  It fuels him to use more lies against me.

So what do I do?  I believe I’m on the right path with God, doing things for others, checking to see how others are doing, and doing my best to put myself dead last in my life.  I lose touch with myself until I’m right back in that pit, wrapped in fear for speaking out truth about what’s really going on in my life.  I lie to the very people I love about what’s going on with me.  I wear a mask to hide the puffy eyes from crying, the frown from showing, the sadness from being known.  I don’t reach out for help.  I try to avoid talking about myself when I’m with a friend.  I get angry with myself when I realize that I have been talking about myself.   Isn’t that exactly where Satan wants me to be though?

Simply put, yes.  The enemy has me right where he wants me.  Now he makes me feel like I really am alone, that it’s just me and I have to deal with all of my problems on my own.  There is no one left to turn to-well, except the enemy.

God speaks Truth against each of those lies from Satan.  God promises to never leave you or forsake you.  Galatians 6:2 tells us to “carry each other’s burdens”.  I can’t carry all of my burdens while carrying the burdens of others.  I have to ask for help and it’s okay to do so.  When I’m able to see where I have gotten, He gives me the strength to reach out and will put someone in my path to ask for support.  And how can I help anyone, show anyone love the way Jesus would, if I am spiritually broken?

In all of this though, God recently spoke a very clear blessing to me, one that I had not heard before.  When I’m in those moments of not being able to turn to a person on this earth, it’s okay, because that means I have to put my complete and total faith in God.  God is my Healer, my Counselor, and my Shepherd.  He is what I have, He is all that I need. He has created us not to go through life without human interactions though, so have that in your life.  Fellowship is important!

I know that I’m never really alone.  The Bible clearly states that God will never leave me or forsake me.  God is with me no matter where I am, where I’ve been, where I’m going, what I’m doing, what I’ve done, what I will be doing.  God is there!  What a blessing that is, that He is there when I need Him.  I need something, God is there to ask, and to answer my need-of course, in the way He sees fit and of course in His timing.  God reminds me of the good I’ve done for people, the ways that I’ve given myself to help them, unselfishly.  God brings the truth, the light, into the darkness that has me surrounded.

Remember, you are not alone.  God is with you, ALWAYS.  Listen to the song “You’re Not Alone” by Meredith Andrews.  It’s my favorite song of hers, and one that I have put on repeat for a good hour or more.