I Don’t Trust You

I have had another difficult week this past week and the week before that, and have taken yet two more big blows.  It’s to the point where the will to get up again is nowhere near.  It doesn’t feel good to say that. Life…and the enemy…just have me that low.

I say all that to get to the core of this post.  Through this whole process and grief, I’m to the point where trust is now a big issue.  I feel like I’ve been put in a place where anything I say or do is wrong in front of certain people.  Where it is now best to stay silent than to speak.  That I’m someone not to speak to.  Not exactly a place someone who’s been called to speak wants to be placed in.  Also, I know these thoughts are coming from a very wounded place and they are extreme.  It kind of feels like I’ve been targeted.  Like people just can’t stand that I’ve voiced my brokeness.  I wish I could say more about this, in more detail, but it would only be stepping down to a level that I don’t want to be on. I’m not seeking revenge or tearing anyone else down because someone decided to do that to me.

It’s not really what anyone wants from me, to silence myself.  I’m thankful for the friend that has listened to everything I’ve said to her.  I am thankful that she has walked this very tough road with me.  God doesn’t want me to silence myself.  The good news is that I can go to Him and He will always be ready to listen to me.

When you’ve been deeply wounded and essentially silenced by someone, how do you react?  Do you run, hide, or lash out at that person?  I’ve been hurt enough that it’s easy for me to just build a wall and block people out.  I say something to make them think that I’m okay, even if I’m not, after they’ve done something to me.  I’m not one of those people who deals well with surprises of the negative sort.  There is one thing I’ve learned through all of this and I’m planning on making that change in my life.

Even though I can’t trust many people right now, I know that I can turn to the One, my Father, whom I can trust, no matter what.  It’s been difficult to turn to Him, after taking so many blows.  I know that He didn’t cause them and I’m not blaming God one bit.

Place your trust in the Eternal; rely on Him completely;
never depend upon your own ideas and inventions.
Give Him the credit for everything you accomplish,
and He will smooth out and straighten the road that lies ahead.

Proverbs 3:5-6 (The Voice)

 

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Are You Thankful for Jesus?

It’s that time of year again.  Thanksgiving is almost here.  Spending time with family, eating more food that you planned, watching football, and shopping the day after.

It’s also that time when we answer the question, “What are you thankful for”?  Most of us would say family, friends, our home, the food on our table, our job, our health, and so on.

If you were asked that question, would the first thing be “I’m thankful for Jesus”?  Would you proclaim your love for Christ in that way?  Christ is worth more than any material items that we have.  We should be thankful for Christ first and foremost.  If not for Jesus dying on the cross, would we have the blessings that we have because of Him?

The bible says to give thanks to God for everything.  Give thanks for the good.  Give thanks for the bad.  Give thanks that He gave His one and only Son to cover all of our sins.

This Thanksgiving, I’m thankful for Jesus.   What are you thankful for?

Picking Up My Mat

The last couple of weeks have been really tough for me.  I’d like to think that this season of my life is coming to an end.  Satan has put up a really good fight, really trying to pull me away from God.  I would like to think that I never gave into the enemy, but I know that I’ve listened to a number of his lies.  The thing is I know what God’s truth is to speak against the lies the enemy so often feeds into my thoughts.

This battle has been part of an intense spiritual warfare.  There have been a couple of nights that if it wasn’t for God’s grace and strength, I would have not made it through in one piece.  I’m thankful that when I am weak, He is strong.  I am thankful that when I need Him, all I have to do is call out His name and He is there.  I can tell Him anything at any time.

Just because I know God’s truths doesn’t mean that I don’t go astray.  The lies Satan wraps around me are lies that I’ve believed for many years.  Some lies are very difficult for me to get away from, and when I’m down, I’m more likely to believe them.  Isn’t that how Satan is though?

Today though, I knew I faced a decision that I had to make.  I remembered the story of Jesus healing the man at the pool.  Jesus makes a very strong command in John 5:8.  He told the man to “Get up!  Pick up your mat and walk.”  At this command, the man got up, picked up his mat, and walked.  A man who had been an invalid for thirty-eight years got up and walked!  While I wasn’t an invalid, I was held down by my emotions and feelings.  They were consuming me.  I knew I had to make the choice of staying on my mat where I was miserable, or I could pick up my mat and walk with Jesus.

I knew the right choice was to pick up my mat and get to walking.  The healing that I know I need during this season isn’t going to happen if I sit and refuse anything and everything coming my way.  God is working; He is bringing people into my path, He has shown me in His Word just what I need when I am willing to open my Bible and read instead of just letting it sit on my desk.  Sitting on my mat and making excuses is not God’s plan, but His plan can’t happen unless I’m focused on Him.

Is there something keeping you on your mat?  Are you ready to pick your mat up and walk?