I Don’t Trust You

I have had another difficult week this past week and the week before that, and have taken yet two more big blows.  It’s to the point where the will to get up again is nowhere near.  It doesn’t feel good to say that. Life…and the enemy…just have me that low.

I say all that to get to the core of this post.  Through this whole process and grief, I’m to the point where trust is now a big issue.  I feel like I’ve been put in a place where anything I say or do is wrong in front of certain people.  Where it is now best to stay silent than to speak.  That I’m someone not to speak to.  Not exactly a place someone who’s been called to speak wants to be placed in.  Also, I know these thoughts are coming from a very wounded place and they are extreme.  It kind of feels like I’ve been targeted.  Like people just can’t stand that I’ve voiced my brokeness.  I wish I could say more about this, in more detail, but it would only be stepping down to a level that I don’t want to be on. I’m not seeking revenge or tearing anyone else down because someone decided to do that to me.

It’s not really what anyone wants from me, to silence myself.  I’m thankful for the friend that has listened to everything I’ve said to her.  I am thankful that she has walked this very tough road with me.  God doesn’t want me to silence myself.  The good news is that I can go to Him and He will always be ready to listen to me.

When you’ve been deeply wounded and essentially silenced by someone, how do you react?  Do you run, hide, or lash out at that person?  I’ve been hurt enough that it’s easy for me to just build a wall and block people out.  I say something to make them think that I’m okay, even if I’m not, after they’ve done something to me.  I’m not one of those people who deals well with surprises of the negative sort.  There is one thing I’ve learned through all of this and I’m planning on making that change in my life.

Even though I can’t trust many people right now, I know that I can turn to the One, my Father, whom I can trust, no matter what.  It’s been difficult to turn to Him, after taking so many blows.  I know that He didn’t cause them and I’m not blaming God one bit.

Place your trust in the Eternal; rely on Him completely;
never depend upon your own ideas and inventions.
Give Him the credit for everything you accomplish,
and He will smooth out and straighten the road that lies ahead.

Proverbs 3:5-6 (The Voice)

 

I Have Failed You

God has just revealed something major to me in the wake of what has happened.  I know it is important to share, to not just work it out for myself, but because I know someone will come across this post and need the truth that is found within. So, onto the revelation.

When someone thinks they’ve failed you, but won’t stay around to find out your thoughts, that’s the enemy speaking into their life. Once they speak these words into you life and walk away, the enemy has a way in to kill, steal, and destroy.

Now, this opens the door for the enemy to step right into your life. This is exactly what happened to me. This is what lead to turning back to old ways of coping with hurt and disappointment.  I was dealing with the actions of someone that now seem so uncharacteristic of them. When everything first happened I was so stunned that I had no idea what to do or think. What a perfect chance to attack, especially since I’ve been doing healing work in the area of relationships.

I cried out to Jesus in my innermost pain. I tried to pray but found it to be so hard because of the pain that I was in. I struggled to even open my bible. Yes,the enemy was getting exactly what he wanted. The enemy had used someone else to get to me.  Thankfully I’ve been blessed with some great, safe people that stepped in to pray on my behalf.

Mind you, when this all happened last Sunday, I was coming off a great weekend ladies retreat and a birthday celebration. The enemy wanted to tear me down.  The enemy had found a way in when I had least expected it.

I want to say that I am not judging this person for what they did. I know how unlike myself I am when the enemy has gotten a foothold.  There are times when Satan does try to disguise himself as God to trick us. I’ve had at least one other person confirm that this was out of character.  God has again been clearly speaking to me about this whole thing and that this is not how He would have ended it.

Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings. 1 Peter 5:8-9

This is why I know to be alert. How difficult is it though when we are blindside? While the enemy may have gotten a piece of me, he did not get all of me. Victory goes to God!

 

Because Being Hurt…Hurts

I have a had a long, hard, trying week.  I was unexpectedly hurt by someone, blindsided really.  Trust shattered, confusion and anger fighting for their place in my life.  I’m honestly struggling to write anything about this experience because there’s still so much unknown in all of it.  I don’t even know where to start in processing it all, but God has brought a few things to mind.  I’ve even found a victory in all of this mess.

I’m not even sure what I’m writing will make sense, due to the fact that I’m still sorting so much out, along with being mentally and emotionally drained.  I also don’t want to give out detailed information about what happened.

Being hurt, and having someone step out of your life suddenly, takes a toll on you.  It’s even harder when you don’t understand and once they are gone, that seems like that is it.  It’s even worse when it isn’t the first time you’ve experienced something like this.  I was left questioning the friendships/relationships that were still in tact.  Where they worth it?  What if I get hurt again because they decide to walk away?  Am I ever going to be able to trust anyone ever again?  How do I deal with this anger without going off on others?

Those are some pretty heavy questions and I don’t have answers for them yet.  I’m going to be working through this for a while.  The crazy thing is, God was already leading me to work on relationships.  Does this seem like a set back?  Yes, it very much does.  Will God use it for my good and His glory?  Yes, He will.  It’s taught me to be someone I don’t want to be and I don’t want to treat people this way.

I’m sure the person that hurt me didn’t mean to hurt.  I also know they don’t know how much they have.  That’s when I know healing has to happen by approaching them and talking to them.  Now is where it gets hard.  I don’t want to place blame on this person, but I know I need to let them know just what has transpired from their actions.  There are some things I’ll need to own in all of this, such as my actions towards myself.  Some people can handle this and some people can’t.  I know that this will help in dealing with my anger and the forgiveness I need to extend.

Speaking of anger and forgiveness…am I there yet, ready to let it go?  I can say that I’m almost there with the anger.  I hate carrying so much of it around and it leads to some very dark places.  I often take my anger towards someone else out on myself.  I know that’s not what God wants though.  He wants me to send my anger right up to Him to take care of.  I’m not to go to sleep angry.   I’m not quite there with forgiving, but I believe in time I will be.

I leave you with Ephesians 4:26-27, which I know I need to allow to seep into my heart: When you are angry, don’t let it carry you into sin.  Don’t let the sun set with anger in your heart or give the devil room to work. (The Voice)

Father, please help me to see that this is all for my good, and for Your will for my life.  That You have so much more planned for me and this had to take place to make those plans happen.  Thank you for showing me some good in all of this.  Amen.

 

 

New Direction

I’ve realized why I struggle to blog here.  I have this idea that I have to come all cleaned up and have some major revelation from God to share.

Not long ago I realized that I don’t have to do that. I don’t have to come to Jesus all cleaned up.  Why should Is show myself as that kind of person here, on my blog?

I’m not perfect. No one is perfect.  It’s time for me to start using this blog for that. It will mean being bold. It will mean trusting God with what I’m supposed to share.

God has called me to speak and I don’t want to put myself out there as some one I’m not.  I’m not perfect.  I have my struggles.  I’m seeing new struggles as I work through my past and how it relates to my future.  I believe that it’s time to stop hiding.

Mother’s Day Is Tough For Me.

 

I’m going to start out by saying that I have no clue where this post is going to go.  I’m writing this from my heart.

I’ve struggled with Mother’s Day for many years now.  I can’t buy my mother a sappy card because the words don’t reflect the type of mother she is to me.  It’s hard for me to celebrate her.

She doesn’t understand my love of Christ, my involvement in church, bible study or ministry work, and I’m pretty sure she won’t understand or support my calling.  My calling is to speak, share my story, and to help others trapped in the same chains that are falling off of me.  I can see God forming a ministry around this already.  Her view of a career is, well, not this, and she has no clue this is what I want to do with my life.  I am thankful for those friends that I have that are supporting me already.

My mother also doesn’t have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, so she doesn’t see life the same way as I do.  I’m not sure if she ever will have that personal relationship.

I love her, but it’s a struggle.  I struggle to pray for her and to ask that she be blessed.  The Bible speaks of loving one another.  God teaches us how to love.  But how do you show love to someone who treats you with disrespect, selfishness, and constantly complains, expecting you to have answers?  Who demands things of you and always wants something in return instead of doing something just because?  Who expects pure perfection because they see themselves as perfect?

There are times that it feels like my own mother is my enemy.  There have been many times when I can see the Evil One using her to try and tear me down, and winning.  With the way that she lives her life, it honestly doesn’t surprise me.  I do what my mother asks of me, most of the time.  Some of her requests are only to gain her something, or to get out of doing something.  I have to walk a fine line of doing what she asks and not allowing her to walk all over me.

As a Christian, I find this to be a really difficult thing to face.  I’m constantly under judgement.  My own mother doesn’t understand who her daughter is becoming.  My own mother won’t take the time to understand.  That hurts me.

If there is someone in your family that you struggle with, know that you’re not alone.  God is with you every step of the way.  Listen to what He tells you to do, where He leads your life.  If someone is against your dreams, stand firm if your dreams are God’s will for your life.  What matters is following God’s will for your life, not someone else’s.  If you’re finding it hard to pray for that family member consider asking a friend to pray for them.  Give yourself a chance to work through the hurt that you’re dealing with.

I guess this comes down to the words in Ephesians 4:18 (NIV) that say, “They are darkened in their understanding and separated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them due to the hardening of their hearts.”  I really think that’s the case for my mother.  I know I can live by the following words from Ephesians 4:20-24 (NIV): “That, however, is not the way of life you learned when you heard about Christ and were taught in him in accordance with the truth that is in Jesus.  You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.”

All I can hope is that she has seen a change in me, and eventually that God will reveal Himself to her and change her life.