I have a had a long, hard, trying week. I was unexpectedly hurt by someone, blindsided really. Trust shattered, confusion and anger fighting for their place in my life. I’m honestly struggling to write anything about this experience because there’s still so much unknown in all of it. I don’t even know where to start in processing it all, but God has brought a few things to mind. I’ve even found a victory in all of this mess.
I’m not even sure what I’m writing will make sense, due to the fact that I’m still sorting so much out, along with being mentally and emotionally drained. I also don’t want to give out detailed information about what happened.
Being hurt, and having someone step out of your life suddenly, takes a toll on you. It’s even harder when you don’t understand and once they are gone, that seems like that is it. It’s even worse when it isn’t the first time you’ve experienced something like this. I was left questioning the friendships/relationships that were still in tact. Where they worth it? What if I get hurt again because they decide to walk away? Am I ever going to be able to trust anyone ever again? How do I deal with this anger without going off on others?
Those are some pretty heavy questions and I don’t have answers for them yet. I’m going to be working through this for a while. The crazy thing is, God was already leading me to work on relationships. Does this seem like a set back? Yes, it very much does. Will God use it for my good and His glory? Yes, He will. It’s taught me to be someone I don’t want to be and I don’t want to treat people this way.
I’m sure the person that hurt me didn’t mean to hurt. I also know they don’t know how much they have. That’s when I know healing has to happen by approaching them and talking to them. Now is where it gets hard. I don’t want to place blame on this person, but I know I need to let them know just what has transpired from their actions. There are some things I’ll need to own in all of this, such as my actions towards myself. Some people can handle this and some people can’t. I know that this will help in dealing with my anger and the forgiveness I need to extend.
Speaking of anger and forgiveness…am I there yet, ready to let it go? I can say that I’m almost there with the anger. I hate carrying so much of it around and it leads to some very dark places. I often take my anger towards someone else out on myself. I know that’s not what God wants though. He wants me to send my anger right up to Him to take care of. I’m not to go to sleep angry. I’m not quite there with forgiving, but I believe in time I will be.
I leave you with Ephesians 4:26-27, which I know I need to allow to seep into my heart: When you are angry, don’t let it carry you into sin. Don’t let the sun set with anger in your heart or give the devil room to work. (The Voice)
Father, please help me to see that this is all for my good, and for Your will for my life. That You have so much more planned for me and this had to take place to make those plans happen. Thank you for showing me some good in all of this. Amen.