I Don’t Trust You

I have had another difficult week this past week and the week before that, and have taken yet two more big blows.  It’s to the point where the will to get up again is nowhere near.  It doesn’t feel good to say that. Life…and the enemy…just have me that low.

I say all that to get to the core of this post.  Through this whole process and grief, I’m to the point where trust is now a big issue.  I feel like I’ve been put in a place where anything I say or do is wrong in front of certain people.  Where it is now best to stay silent than to speak.  That I’m someone not to speak to.  Not exactly a place someone who’s been called to speak wants to be placed in.  Also, I know these thoughts are coming from a very wounded place and they are extreme.  It kind of feels like I’ve been targeted.  Like people just can’t stand that I’ve voiced my brokeness.  I wish I could say more about this, in more detail, but it would only be stepping down to a level that I don’t want to be on. I’m not seeking revenge or tearing anyone else down because someone decided to do that to me.

It’s not really what anyone wants from me, to silence myself.  I’m thankful for the friend that has listened to everything I’ve said to her.  I am thankful that she has walked this very tough road with me.  God doesn’t want me to silence myself.  The good news is that I can go to Him and He will always be ready to listen to me.

When you’ve been deeply wounded and essentially silenced by someone, how do you react?  Do you run, hide, or lash out at that person?  I’ve been hurt enough that it’s easy for me to just build a wall and block people out.  I say something to make them think that I’m okay, even if I’m not, after they’ve done something to me.  I’m not one of those people who deals well with surprises of the negative sort.  There is one thing I’ve learned through all of this and I’m planning on making that change in my life.

Even though I can’t trust many people right now, I know that I can turn to the One, my Father, whom I can trust, no matter what.  It’s been difficult to turn to Him, after taking so many blows.  I know that He didn’t cause them and I’m not blaming God one bit.

Place your trust in the Eternal; rely on Him completely;
never depend upon your own ideas and inventions.
Give Him the credit for everything you accomplish,
and He will smooth out and straighten the road that lies ahead.

Proverbs 3:5-6 (The Voice)

 

Because Being Hurt…Hurts

I have a had a long, hard, trying week.  I was unexpectedly hurt by someone, blindsided really.  Trust shattered, confusion and anger fighting for their place in my life.  I’m honestly struggling to write anything about this experience because there’s still so much unknown in all of it.  I don’t even know where to start in processing it all, but God has brought a few things to mind.  I’ve even found a victory in all of this mess.

I’m not even sure what I’m writing will make sense, due to the fact that I’m still sorting so much out, along with being mentally and emotionally drained.  I also don’t want to give out detailed information about what happened.

Being hurt, and having someone step out of your life suddenly, takes a toll on you.  It’s even harder when you don’t understand and once they are gone, that seems like that is it.  It’s even worse when it isn’t the first time you’ve experienced something like this.  I was left questioning the friendships/relationships that were still in tact.  Where they worth it?  What if I get hurt again because they decide to walk away?  Am I ever going to be able to trust anyone ever again?  How do I deal with this anger without going off on others?

Those are some pretty heavy questions and I don’t have answers for them yet.  I’m going to be working through this for a while.  The crazy thing is, God was already leading me to work on relationships.  Does this seem like a set back?  Yes, it very much does.  Will God use it for my good and His glory?  Yes, He will.  It’s taught me to be someone I don’t want to be and I don’t want to treat people this way.

I’m sure the person that hurt me didn’t mean to hurt.  I also know they don’t know how much they have.  That’s when I know healing has to happen by approaching them and talking to them.  Now is where it gets hard.  I don’t want to place blame on this person, but I know I need to let them know just what has transpired from their actions.  There are some things I’ll need to own in all of this, such as my actions towards myself.  Some people can handle this and some people can’t.  I know that this will help in dealing with my anger and the forgiveness I need to extend.

Speaking of anger and forgiveness…am I there yet, ready to let it go?  I can say that I’m almost there with the anger.  I hate carrying so much of it around and it leads to some very dark places.  I often take my anger towards someone else out on myself.  I know that’s not what God wants though.  He wants me to send my anger right up to Him to take care of.  I’m not to go to sleep angry.   I’m not quite there with forgiving, but I believe in time I will be.

I leave you with Ephesians 4:26-27, which I know I need to allow to seep into my heart: When you are angry, don’t let it carry you into sin.  Don’t let the sun set with anger in your heart or give the devil room to work. (The Voice)

Father, please help me to see that this is all for my good, and for Your will for my life.  That You have so much more planned for me and this had to take place to make those plans happen.  Thank you for showing me some good in all of this.  Amen.

 

 

It’s Been Awhile

I can’t believe it’s been so long since I’ve written here.  God has really been doing some work lately and I love it.

About 10 months ago I found myself walking through the doors of a local Celebrate Recovery ministry.  I had no idea how much this ministry would change my life, the people I would soon call family, or that it would lead me to a new church.

God has really been stirring a love for ministry.  It’s been a couple of years since I got the call to speak.  I had no idea back then what that would turn out to be.  Okay, I can go talk about things I’d been through, no problem.  I just didn’t know what God was really asking of me.

Ministry.  God was calling me to ministry.  To help others that are going through the same things I’ve found or am finding freedom from.  Things that no one wants to talk about or acknowledge an existence of in the church.

This year alone has been amazing, just the first four months.  And I’m eager to see what God will reveal to me through His Word, discussions with others, and what I’m working on in my own life.

Are You Thankful for Jesus?

It’s that time of year again.  Thanksgiving is almost here.  Spending time with family, eating more food that you planned, watching football, and shopping the day after.

It’s also that time when we answer the question, “What are you thankful for”?  Most of us would say family, friends, our home, the food on our table, our job, our health, and so on.

If you were asked that question, would the first thing be “I’m thankful for Jesus”?  Would you proclaim your love for Christ in that way?  Christ is worth more than any material items that we have.  We should be thankful for Christ first and foremost.  If not for Jesus dying on the cross, would we have the blessings that we have because of Him?

The bible says to give thanks to God for everything.  Give thanks for the good.  Give thanks for the bad.  Give thanks that He gave His one and only Son to cover all of our sins.

This Thanksgiving, I’m thankful for Jesus.   What are you thankful for?

Music Monday: Planetshakers-Nothing Is Impossible

I’ve decided to start doing something on my blog called “Music Monday”.  I’ll be sharing my favorite songs with lyrics or a video.  I love that God uses music to speak to me.

This song by the Planetshakers is such an upbeat and catchy song.  The choir (which I’m part of, even though I don’t think I can carry a note for anything), sung this song this past Sunday.  I’d been listening to it and thinking, “How can I sing a song I’m not sure I believe in at this moment?”  I was just in that kind of place.  The more I listened to it, the more it grew on me, and the more I was able to believe in the message.  By Sunday, it became one of those songs that I just love to turn up while I’m driving and sing along to.

Enjoy!

Picking Up My Mat

The last couple of weeks have been really tough for me.  I’d like to think that this season of my life is coming to an end.  Satan has put up a really good fight, really trying to pull me away from God.  I would like to think that I never gave into the enemy, but I know that I’ve listened to a number of his lies.  The thing is I know what God’s truth is to speak against the lies the enemy so often feeds into my thoughts.

This battle has been part of an intense spiritual warfare.  There have been a couple of nights that if it wasn’t for God’s grace and strength, I would have not made it through in one piece.  I’m thankful that when I am weak, He is strong.  I am thankful that when I need Him, all I have to do is call out His name and He is there.  I can tell Him anything at any time.

Just because I know God’s truths doesn’t mean that I don’t go astray.  The lies Satan wraps around me are lies that I’ve believed for many years.  Some lies are very difficult for me to get away from, and when I’m down, I’m more likely to believe them.  Isn’t that how Satan is though?

Today though, I knew I faced a decision that I had to make.  I remembered the story of Jesus healing the man at the pool.  Jesus makes a very strong command in John 5:8.  He told the man to “Get up!  Pick up your mat and walk.”  At this command, the man got up, picked up his mat, and walked.  A man who had been an invalid for thirty-eight years got up and walked!  While I wasn’t an invalid, I was held down by my emotions and feelings.  They were consuming me.  I knew I had to make the choice of staying on my mat where I was miserable, or I could pick up my mat and walk with Jesus.

I knew the right choice was to pick up my mat and get to walking.  The healing that I know I need during this season isn’t going to happen if I sit and refuse anything and everything coming my way.  God is working; He is bringing people into my path, He has shown me in His Word just what I need when I am willing to open my Bible and read instead of just letting it sit on my desk.  Sitting on my mat and making excuses is not God’s plan, but His plan can’t happen unless I’m focused on Him.

Is there something keeping you on your mat?  Are you ready to pick your mat up and walk?

21-Day Challenge

I know…another post so soon?  This won’t happen often so enjoy it now!  🙂

I’m posting this because I feel so inspired to.  What is the 21-Day Challenge?  Here’s your answer.

Tiffany Thurston posted about this challenge on her blog, and I found out about it through Twitter.  God’s Word and journaling?  Together?  Reading God’s Word and journaling about it for 21 days?  Two of my favorite things together tied into a challenge?  I’m in!

There’s a link to a reading plan on Thurston’s blog, but with Bible Study Fellowship (BSF) starting up on Monday, I’ve decided to follow along with the book we’re studying this year.  My reading/writing will come from the Acts.  I’m so excited about BSF starting up again, and now adding a further depth into it with the journaling will be good for me.

The challenge is from September 9th-September 30th, but it’s never too late to start!  Join in, apply what you read to your life, and see what God shows you!

If on Twitter, use hashtag: #21dayCHALLENGE

Leave a comment if you’re joining in!