I Don’t Trust You

I have had another difficult week this past week and the week before that, and have taken yet two more big blows.  It’s to the point where the will to get up again is nowhere near.  It doesn’t feel good to say that. Life…and the enemy…just have me that low.

I say all that to get to the core of this post.  Through this whole process and grief, I’m to the point where trust is now a big issue.  I feel like I’ve been put in a place where anything I say or do is wrong in front of certain people.  Where it is now best to stay silent than to speak.  That I’m someone not to speak to.  Not exactly a place someone who’s been called to speak wants to be placed in.  Also, I know these thoughts are coming from a very wounded place and they are extreme.  It kind of feels like I’ve been targeted.  Like people just can’t stand that I’ve voiced my brokeness.  I wish I could say more about this, in more detail, but it would only be stepping down to a level that I don’t want to be on. I’m not seeking revenge or tearing anyone else down because someone decided to do that to me.

It’s not really what anyone wants from me, to silence myself.  I’m thankful for the friend that has listened to everything I’ve said to her.  I am thankful that she has walked this very tough road with me.  God doesn’t want me to silence myself.  The good news is that I can go to Him and He will always be ready to listen to me.

When you’ve been deeply wounded and essentially silenced by someone, how do you react?  Do you run, hide, or lash out at that person?  I’ve been hurt enough that it’s easy for me to just build a wall and block people out.  I say something to make them think that I’m okay, even if I’m not, after they’ve done something to me.  I’m not one of those people who deals well with surprises of the negative sort.  There is one thing I’ve learned through all of this and I’m planning on making that change in my life.

Even though I can’t trust many people right now, I know that I can turn to the One, my Father, whom I can trust, no matter what.  It’s been difficult to turn to Him, after taking so many blows.  I know that He didn’t cause them and I’m not blaming God one bit.

Place your trust in the Eternal; rely on Him completely;
never depend upon your own ideas and inventions.
Give Him the credit for everything you accomplish,
and He will smooth out and straighten the road that lies ahead.

Proverbs 3:5-6 (The Voice)

 

Mother’s Day Is Tough For Me.

 

I’m going to start out by saying that I have no clue where this post is going to go.  I’m writing this from my heart.

I’ve struggled with Mother’s Day for many years now.  I can’t buy my mother a sappy card because the words don’t reflect the type of mother she is to me.  It’s hard for me to celebrate her.

She doesn’t understand my love of Christ, my involvement in church, bible study or ministry work, and I’m pretty sure she won’t understand or support my calling.  My calling is to speak, share my story, and to help others trapped in the same chains that are falling off of me.  I can see God forming a ministry around this already.  Her view of a career is, well, not this, and she has no clue this is what I want to do with my life.  I am thankful for those friends that I have that are supporting me already.

My mother also doesn’t have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, so she doesn’t see life the same way as I do.  I’m not sure if she ever will have that personal relationship.

I love her, but it’s a struggle.  I struggle to pray for her and to ask that she be blessed.  The Bible speaks of loving one another.  God teaches us how to love.  But how do you show love to someone who treats you with disrespect, selfishness, and constantly complains, expecting you to have answers?  Who demands things of you and always wants something in return instead of doing something just because?  Who expects pure perfection because they see themselves as perfect?

There are times that it feels like my own mother is my enemy.  There have been many times when I can see the Evil One using her to try and tear me down, and winning.  With the way that she lives her life, it honestly doesn’t surprise me.  I do what my mother asks of me, most of the time.  Some of her requests are only to gain her something, or to get out of doing something.  I have to walk a fine line of doing what she asks and not allowing her to walk all over me.

As a Christian, I find this to be a really difficult thing to face.  I’m constantly under judgement.  My own mother doesn’t understand who her daughter is becoming.  My own mother won’t take the time to understand.  That hurts me.

If there is someone in your family that you struggle with, know that you’re not alone.  God is with you every step of the way.  Listen to what He tells you to do, where He leads your life.  If someone is against your dreams, stand firm if your dreams are God’s will for your life.  What matters is following God’s will for your life, not someone else’s.  If you’re finding it hard to pray for that family member consider asking a friend to pray for them.  Give yourself a chance to work through the hurt that you’re dealing with.

I guess this comes down to the words in Ephesians 4:18 (NIV) that say, “They are darkened in their understanding and separated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them due to the hardening of their hearts.”  I really think that’s the case for my mother.  I know I can live by the following words from Ephesians 4:20-24 (NIV): “That, however, is not the way of life you learned when you heard about Christ and were taught in him in accordance with the truth that is in Jesus.  You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.”

All I can hope is that she has seen a change in me, and eventually that God will reveal Himself to her and change her life.